passing on more funnies

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face..
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ....'I think the man would have said - 'Well, I'll be f**ked!! A talking pig!'

The teacher had to leave the room

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her
Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book
without the slightest success.
Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the
name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have
wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first ?"

The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.
"That's no use, Trevor " said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out
"P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley". That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.

How about you, Paddy ?

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out "
London ".

Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about
living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for
breath and Paddy said






"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

v.v.good

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very faithful and loving wives. \
However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her undies and use them.
Her friend however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of undies that she did not want to ruin,
but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a big ribbon on it,
so she proceeded to use the ribbon. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.


The next day, one woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife
was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said,
"These damn girls' night outs have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst.
My wife came home with no undies!"
"You think that's bad" said the other husband, "Mine is lying in bed with a card stuck in her ass that says: "From all of us at the Fire Station - We'll never forget you. "

SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER

You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one! You don't even have to like 'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird... My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....


2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs/humans around the globe.




It gets worse........



Next year......





2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

time will tell...